Prof PJ Returns!

Note: For those who saw the previous incarnation of this post titled 'Proj PJs/Bloopers and Awards', this is an 'anonymized and toned down' version of it. The reason is that a prof from IITM actually emailed me (!) and conveyed his/her displeasure at being quoted (typical 'misrepresented' and 'quoted out of context' kind of stuff that journalists hear often!), asked me to remove these quotes from the Web and advised me to 'respect' teachers, even quoting Bhagavad Gita slokas! Firstly, this means my post had become so famous! Secondly, I didn't realize by quoting profs commenting on other profs, I might put them in trouble! Thirdly, I didn't imagine people could take offence to trivial humorous stuff like this, but nevertheless I guess it is safer to strip out the names and publish only the quotes. I have also removed quotes of profs commenting on other profs, which is what prompted that email! I have classified them at the highest level (US/IITM/JEE Classes) for some context but still, some quotes might be have such an obvious context that the speaker can be identified easily. I can't help it!

Statutory Disclaimer: The following collection of funny quotes (PJs, bloopers, etc) are 'actual' words spoken by profs that I and my friends have seen over the years. But the intention is not to make fun of profs or put them in trouble, but to recollect and have a laugh at some intentional/unintentional funny statements.

US Profs:

"It is so funny that at the beginning of a class, whenever you turn to the board and turn back, there are more students everytime. But it just reverses towards to end of the class!"

(After explaining a new concept) "Is this clear to everyone? Any questions... what does this term mean... what statement is this... what class is this?!"

(After clarifying an ambiguous concept) "Oh, you guys don't feel happy about it? I feel so good about it!"

"You guys didn't understand it? Ok, let me keep explaining it in different ways till either you understand it or I!"

"All that botanists seem to do is sit and classify things!"

"Biology is only about memorizing, there's no figuring out. I mean, how does one figure out what phylum a plant is in?!"

"Schema matching is still a hard and open problem. If you get a good idea to solve it properly, tell me and we'll stop the course and start a company or something! Then, after we get rich, we can resume the class!"

"Mike Stonebraker once said that schema matching is AI-complete, i.e., it will never be solved by AI folks! And if it is solved, then it was not AI after all!"

"More than a decade ago, when I was at Palo Alto, a prof told me about a couple of bright students who had this new search engine based on their new PageRank algorithm. I thought it was a very nice idea and appreciated them! Darn, I should have instead asked if I could invest in their company right then! Then probably, I wouldn't still be here right now!"

"In a study on web search, it was found that the .edu domain is least frequently updated. So crawlers need not visit these webpages often!"

"There was this professor at Berkeley who forgot to set an exam paper. So he told the class, 'Sorry class, I forgot to set the paper for the exam today. So, here's the deal - those of who are very confident about this course and want an impromptu exam, stay back. Others can leave, I'll just generously give you a B.' Two-thirds of the class left, glad to have got a free B! Then he says to those who remained, 'Great! I'll just give you guys an A!'"

"If one cannot keep up, but cannot fall behind either, then the solution is to do a sloppy job!"

(When a student referred to 2002 as 'way back') "I object to your labeling of 2002 as 'way back'. It makes me feel very old!"

"I've realized that faculty life consists of nothing but emails, deadlines, meetings, and being late for those three!"

"Back when I joined grad school, people preferred primarily two fields - theory, which was considered 'manly', or AI, which was considered 'sexy'! Databases was considered even more boring than accounting!"

"If you want to graduate and leave at the earliest, but your advisor will not let you, then a very good option is to get married! Then, you can blame your 'family problems' for leaving grad school and he will no longer stop you!"

"A main lesson you learn in grad school is to speak very confidently about whatever you want to say, even if you are clueless about it!"

"In research, if you are going to tackle a complicated problem, you shouldn't solve it completely at one go and publish it in one paper. First, publish a good solution for a sub problem of it. Then, you will have lots of people trying to extend the solution in various ways, and they will ALL cite your work like crazy!"

"Whenever you are proposing a new solution to a problem, think of a brain-dead baseline solution first. For the former, pick an afternoon and concentrate. For the latter, you can do it in the morning, when you are still half-asleep!"

"Dear Internet, Thank you for making it so easy to find size 11N shoes without leaving home! - Love, Big Foot,"

"I think the early bird should get something more appetizing than a worm!"

"Upon meeting Brian Kernighan, someone says, 'Oh, are you the guy from that Kernighan and Ritchie book?' Brian replies, deadpan, 'Yeah, the Kernighan one, not the Ritchie one.'"

Prof1: "I suspect that reading a dissertation in bed will mean 'lights out' before you know it!"
Prof2: "Did you need 'in bed' in that sentence? :-)"

Prof1: "I had long suspected that tenure is a drug. Thanks to Athina for verifying my suspicion - http://www.ece.uci.edu/~athina/aps.pdf"
Prof2: "I don't think the narcotics warning is right." :D

Prof1: "Grading goes more smoothly with a fine Aussie shiraz (the S2 from Marquis Phillips, to be precise). The wine gets an A!"
Prof2: "There are much faster ways to solve this problem: http://www.concurringopinions.com/archives/2006/12/a_guide_to_grad.html"

Prof1: "Caffeine intake is inversely proportional to the time remaining till the paper deadline."
Prof2: "Polyphasic sleep works pretty well: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Polyphasic_sleep Unfortunately, it does not always work well for functioning with the rest of the world. :-)"

"To make a start-up grow big very fast, there are two easy ways - steal the code (Huawei) of the established giant (Cisco) in the area, or better still, steal their engineers (Juniper)!"

"Hardware engineers are extremely picky about the restaurants they eat at. They are mortified by 'bugs', in their food, not just their code!"

"Is there anyone who didn't understand what I just explained? Other than me, that is!"

(An MSR guy, not actually prof): "Research in Google? That is an oxymoron!"


IITM Profs:

(Praise for another prof's hand-writing on the board) "Look at these beautiful betas and gammas, I don't feel like erasing the board!"

"Yesterday there was only one guy in the class, I didn't know who he was, he didn't know who I was, and both of us were seeing each other faces!"

"Every day I see a new batch. The batch that came day before yesterday had no similarity what so ever to the eight guys that turned up yesterday, and those guys are no similar to the batch I see today!"

"In the world of computers, if you want to get something you should lose something. Thats why CS also stands for Communist Science!"

"Did you guys understand or not?" When the students sit quietly even then, "Why are you all sitting like Buddhist monks?! At least nod your head folks!"

(While teaching serialization in OS) "A sequential program is like a monkey - hard to debug. A parallel program is a drunken monkey bitten by a scorpion!"

"How can I make it more approximate?"

"There is one other some more stuff is left..."

"In speech, there is no going back, since it is time. There is also no backspace key."

"An unbiased coin will have equal probability of occurrance of all it's faces."

"This is the usual use of Lagrange Multipliers. We use the usual philosophy of using Lagrange Multipliers."

(When proving something...) "Suppose we start with a contradiction..."

(When proving x <= y...) "Assume that x <= y. There is a reason for this assumption, we'll come to this later."

(S is a set of symbols) "In S^n, each s is made up of S x S x S ... n times."

"Huffman is greedy. It forms graphs. A tree is also a graph, without self loops or negative weight edges."

"We will look at all possible paths that are possible."

"He kind of met me and he promised me he'll be coming to class regularly with his parents!"

"I will lose this much stuff if the channel gets erased..."

"It's a completely aside problem, but it's similar in a different context..."

"Will I decide how I decide the symbol."

"Any unit which is more than 1 unit long is a mis-transmission..."

(When contrasting erroneous transmissions to a coin toss) "When I am tossing a coin, it's like how many times I get an error!"

"Average of n numbers converges to their mean..."

(After the lecture) "I've actually referred *hajjar* sources for this!"
more stuff is left..."

"Time is so continuous..."

(When the prof almost fell of the dais) "We're all so great - we slip!"

"By chance if I trip and fall, please help me!"

(Cutting a long proof short) "Do not argue step by step!"

(The prof never says numerator/denominator) "x/(x*y). We can cancel x from upstairs and downstairs."

"I am trying to optimize between theory and problems."

"I write so beautifully that there might be parallax error!"

"You have more pleasures than I have!"

"About the absentees, we crib to the people who are present..."

"Slight parameters are varying for me, so, I might take 10'o clock class."

"People become sensitive very fast. Convergence occurs very fast..."

"If I see a teacher telling, 'Do this, do that...', I will find her mad."

"... for nicer mortals like us ..."

(During a late evening class) "At least some enthu I am showing at my old age!"

"A particle in motion never leaves its trajectory."

"Everybody turn up for the tomorrow's class, there's going to be a surprise test!"

(On probability density functions) "Though it is a probability only, somehow it seems to take values greater than one! That is acceptable. I'll come to it later!"

Explaining the funda of the CS Club) "This is a club - so we can have fun activities like going to a picnic, etc. But it is the CS club - so we should always think of algorithms to reach places faster, etc!"

(Explaining an application of Data Mining) "The results indicate that there is a high correlation between beer buyers and diaper buyers. That doesn't mean one should sell beer and diaper as a combo pack!"

(Some data mining funda) "Larger my size, lesser the depth and its easy to find the spot!"

"What do you know abhout 'sex-fear'? Was 'sex-fear' a nobhalist? Or a poet? Or a dromotist? Or ebherything?"

"Lipids are hydrophobic, but water is hydrophilic."

(On Lovasz and Graph Theory): "Lovasz is a well known name in graph theory. His book is widely used by many. He used to do a lot of good work in this subject." (Turns slightly towards the board, before adding) "But, now he has joined Microsoft."

(Refering to the heat) "See, I am going to melt in a while!"

"O2, which we will must have absolutely..."

"Dharma in Dhermal energy is Dharmodynamics!"

"Let's see what's happening in the atmosphere... photosynthesis is happening..."

"Organisms called herbivores, carnivores, they do the job of consumption."

(A terse statement about the food-chain) "Wood is contained in food!"

"Bcteria can be divided into good and bad bacteria!"

"Venus is a pressure cooker."

"Sleeping is the best thing you can do!"

"There is nothing in this world that cannot wait for 50 minutes!"

(Definition of a plane) "A plane is a three dimensional object of negligible thickness passing through three points."

"Do the test well tomorrow. Everyone should get above class average!"

(Seeing a student coming late to class) "You think this is a ship? That you can come in and go anytime?!"

(Shocked by the attendance sheet full of proxies) "Just 7 of you present here but all 71 are marked present! Oh, I guess each one of you represent your department..."

"If you have any doubts, please don't hesitate to ask the TA. If you ask me, you will only make more mistakes!"

"Why are you sleeping in my class? Do I ever come to your room and sleep?!"


Satyamurthy JEE Classes:

"Nitrogen says - when chhota bachcha Carbon is hybridising, why shouldn't I hybridise?!"

"God said to Nitrogen- thou shall not have 10 electrons!"

"Lone pair becomes a pi bond, pi bond becomes a lone pair."

"Bal Gangadhar Tilak said Swaraj is my birthright! Carbocation said Rearrangement is my birthright!"

"Shorter the bond - stronger the bond. Longer the bond - weaker the bond!"

"F wants electrons; it eats electrons; it gobbles up electrons. It goes about saying, 'I am the most electronegative element! I want electrons!' F can turn nose into nose flouride! Tongue into tongue flouride." Then he points to an unattentive student, Sahil, and says, "Sahil into Sahil flouride! Amar, Akbar or Antony; Ram, Rahim or Robert; Shankar, Salim or Simon, if F comes by, they will bcome Amar Fluoride, Akbar Fluoride and Antony Fluoride; Ram Flouride, Rahim Flouride and Robert Flouride; Shankar Fluoride, Salim Fluoride and Simon Fluoride!"

"Whoseover tried to isolate flourine reached the lotus feet of God!"

"The first borns in each family are always idiosyncratic. The parents are not experienced, and drop them a couple of times. Similarly, the first element in every group is also idiosyncratic!"

(Explaining hyperconjugative resonance) "You like to go and help the next door aunty and not your mother because she has a pretty daughter! But then you find that your elder brother is already there!"

"Every thing in this world is optically active. Except maybe vampires and ghosts! Your hair is optically active, your skin is optically active! Also, every thing has a mirror image. Except maybe vampires and ghosts again!"

"So you think ozone must have a ring structure?! On your birthday! No no no no no, chemistry stands for truth, experimental truth!"

"There is no salvation without solvation!"

"At 2 in the morning, rickshaw-wala Ramaswamy wont get savari! But at 2 in the morning, you can get up and study! Nobody can stop you!"

(Explaining balanced equations) "Al + Cu --> Au + Cl - perfectly balanced equation illaya? Small 'l' and 'u' on the right and the left; big 'C' and 'A' on the right and the left. But will u get gold, gold, gold?! No no no!"

"Did you perform the experiment? Did you shake hands with the molecule?"

(When a student asks how they can memorize so many compound structures) "Useless fellow, you are able to remeber who was Miss Universe and Miss World a decade ago! Why not this?!"

"If you are bored with studying maths, physics and chemistry, try reading physics, chemistry and maths! Or chemistry, maths and physics!"

(Suggesting a way to remember the Periodic table) "You get up in the morning. You fold your hands and say 'Gajananam butha ganadhi sevitham...' Same way, you should also say 'Hydrogen Lithium Sodium Potassium Rubidium Ceasium Francium...'!"

"If you study well, you will go to IIT. Else, you will go to Madha engg college or Pidha engg college..."

"If you want cis-trans configuration, you have to come to chemistry class. If you want tansfiguration, you have to go to Hogwarts school!"

(Pointing to a student's head) "You have millions of neurons here. If you don't use them, you'll all become morons!"

"Potassium chloride and potassium cyanide look the same. If you taste potassium chloride, you will taste it salty. But if you taste potassium cyanide, you will reach the lotus feet of God!"

"It is going to be too tough for you to unlearn these concepts, because they have been taught so well!"

"Yappa, if you can't listen in class, please quit I say! I will give you back your fees, and extra money too!"

(Referring to a student, who attended the class on limits and differentiability but missed the topic in between. He asks with an awesome pun) "Yappa, last row, you only - you attended limits and then you are now attending diffrentiability. Where is the continuity?!"

"Thambi, if you want to clear JEE, 5 hours sleep is a luxury. You have to sleep only for 4 hours!"

"Yappa don't just copy down from the blackboard. In fact even Kasturi(the watchman) can do that.. illiya?!"

(Scolding the PSBB students) "PSBB batch, full of darty rascals... I will dismantle this batch, i say!"

(Lamenting about dropping standards of students in Satyamurthy) "Yappa, there used to be a time when people say, joining Satyamurthy will give you good JEE rank. Nowadays, they say it will give you good AIEEE rank! Very soon, I'm afraid the time will come when they'll say, it will give you good CBSE board marks!"
"If you don't get this, that's all! You miss the bus! You miss the train! You miss the rocket!"

(Explaining the importance of error in titration) "What is the use if you have 5% error! Then you can use buckets and mugs for titration!"


Like I stated before, it is great fun to note down and track these statements by one's teachers :-) I'll continue doing this and put up more of this up here (anonymized of course!) after a few years! Have fun!

PS: Btw, here are some comments (anonymized again!) from the original post. I had deleted the post, rather than edit it, so these comments were gone too.

Blogger Ashish Patro said...
Nice Collection.. Was due to be posted for a long time :)
February 21, 2010 10:02 PM

Blogger A. K. K. said...
@Ashish, thanks :-) have fun!
February 22, 2010 2:43 PM

Blogger kamiya said...
Good job ! :) .. Enjoyed reading it ! :) ..Lolz..
February 22, 2010 2:59 PM

Blogger madthanU said...
WOW ...... thats probably the nicest blog post i enjoyed
February 23, 2010 3:53 PM

Blogger Vijay Chidambaram said...
Nice work da! Good to see work-demon Arun relaxing :P
My favorite was: "Nitrogen says - when chhota bachcha Carbon is hybridising, why shouldn't I hybridise?!""
Lol!
February 26, 2010 8:57 AM

Blogger A. K. K. said...
@Kamiya, Thanu, thanks guys! Glad you enjoyed it :)
@VJ, thanks! But lol, me a work demon huh? That is a nice pj in itself :P
February 26, 2010 12:34 PM